Greeley's Rancho Arcana
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Toys and Holiday Justice: Is Santa Asleep at the Reins?
He's making a list and he's checking it twice. But does he really care who's naughty or nice?
Are 'bad' children getting special treatment when it comes to Christmas? Some suggest that behavior doesn't matter to Santa anymore; other believe that 'bad' children actually enjoy greater material rewards than 'good' children on Christmas day. Is Santa really falling down on the job? or is it just a matter of perspective?
To help us explore this topic, Greeley's Rancho Arcana has invited Terry Gross, of WHYY's Fresh Air, to interview our special guest, Franklin Booth. Mr. Booth is a motivational speaker, consultant, and founder-director of the Booth Institute for Human Resource Management based in Lumberton, North Carolina.
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GRA: Thank you for taking the time to visit with us.
FB: You're welcome. Glad to be here.
GRA: Let's get started. What do you think of perspective that 'bad' children enjoy greater rewards than 'good' children, regardless of behavior?
FB: Well, first lets ask "Who's bad?" "Who's good?" These are just words, man. Just words. The thing is not the word. When you take that out of the equation, then I don't think there's any real difference. Kids are kids. Some toys are better than other toys, sure, but it's what you do with the toys you get that counts. I think what's really going on here is that some snot-nosed goodie-goodies are just frickin' jealous and their lame-ass parents don't have the spine to put them in their place. They should be happy that Santa even remembers their damn address.
GRA: Uh... OK... You mentioned the quality of toys. Looking back, do you think there's any appreciable difference between the kind of toys children have now and the toys you played with as a child?
FB: Well, I think kids today just don't know what they're missing. See, those XBoxes, PlayStations, Game Boys... man, all that stuff is for sissies. When I was a kid, childhood was an adventure and injury was expected. If we broke a leg in PE, we walked it off. Pain built character. Look at all the crap they made us eat and watch on TV. Hell, my generation is bulletproof.
GRA: I see. Um, what relationship do you think there is between ...
FB: See, we had toys that required physical effort and could actually do some damage. You ever hear of Lawn Darts? How about Klik-Klaks? Boomerangs? Doctor Atomic chemistry sets? Wild West leather burning tools? German model steam engines with real fire inside? Japanese flying tin robots? Man, we had it all! Yesterday's toys were exciting. Now everyone's worried about "consumer safety." People start pissing and moaning if the instructions aren't in english...
GRA: Um, weren't you and your friends a little old to be playing with such toys? I mean, not to be rude or anything, but weren't you in your twenties or early thirties when some of the toys you mentioned came on the market?
FB: Well, yeah...but you know, man, we all have a little kid in us, don't we? Self-actualizing adults take time out to nurture the child within, right? Besides, my friends and I had a lot of time on our hands during the day. We'd get together, break out the Pabst and the Slip-n-Slide, invite a few neighbors over, and just...mess around until it got dark...then go for a drive...
FB: ...Sometimes we'd play Twister... Hey, you remember that cool song? ..."Spin the spinner and call the shots--Twister ties you up in a knot... Right foot blue... Left hand red..." Man, wasn't that a great song? Now that game wasn't for kids. They had teenagers on the box.
GRA: What did you and your friends do for a living? It doesn't sound like you were engaged in product testing...were you?
FB: Well, no, ...We ran an all night courier service ... but I thought this interview was about toys...
GRA: Yes, you're right. Let's get back to the topic. What toys stand out for you; that is, which toys...
FB: ...were my favorite toys?
GRA: Yes.
FB: Three stand out. My grandfather gave me a BB gun rifle when I was seven. Man, I loved that gun, until my daddy made me shoot my dog when it peed in the back of my dad's new convertible.
FB: My other favorite toy was the Wham-O Air Blaster. It was this weird pump-action thing that blew out a blast of air when you pulled the trigger. We used to stick things in it and launch them up on the roof of the neighbors house. Later, I figured out you could spray model paint in it, stick it over your mouth, and pull the trigger and inhale at the same time. Man, what a rush! It felt like it might pop your eyes out, too, but that only happened once, to some kid down the block who was born with a defect that no one knew about until that happened...
FB: The other one that Ray and Paulie and I really liked was the Big Wheel tricycle. Big plastic thing with a low ride and far out colors. Damn near indestructible. We were out playing with the neighbors once and we drug one of those behind the old Fairlane at about 100 miles an hour. It only scratched up the sides a bit. Later, we cut them in half crossway between the handlebars and the seat, shoved a 2 x 4 in there to make them longer, like a chopper, then we could ride them all over town. Man, I loved the sound those wheels made on concrete.
GRA: ...
FB: Hey, I want to share a funny story about Christmas. This article's about funny Christmas stories, right?
GRA: Uh, yes, but...
FB: Great! You're going to love this one, man... About ten years ago I'm in Baltimore, doing a little Christmas shopping, humming a little tune, thinking about my sweetie at the club. Arms full of packages, you know? So I'm walking down this street and I see this old lady squatting in the alley; she got a change box in front of her and some dirty old sign I can't read...
FB: So I see her sitting in the alley and I think, "hey, I'm cool. Drop a dime or quarter in her box"...just like one of those old-timey Christmas stories...what's the name?
GRA: 'The Little Match Girl?'
FB: Yeah, except this old broad's no little girl and she's probably used up all her matches on crack. She got milage all over her...dressed in dirty filthy rags, no shoes. Probably got bugs...real nasty looking...
GRA: ...
FB: Anyway she's sitting crosslegged in the mud next to a trash bin and she has a dopey half-grin with no teeth and these really shiny eyes that don't blink and she's totally locked on me. She's muttering something too. Sounded like "Miv-uh-amiss money" "Miv-uh-amiss money" over and over.
FB: I'm not rude, right? I mean, she's a human being, I'm a human being, we're all human beings and she's just trying to communicate with me, right? Communication's what it's all about. So I keep asking her 'what?,' 'what?,' not being threatening or anything like that, just getting closer and closer. She's getting quieter and quieter the closer I get. Finally I had to get right up next to her, crouch down, get my ear right by her mouth. Man, I could smell her spit...
GRA: Umm, yes, thank you Mr. Booth. We're just about out of...
FB: ... Do you know what that bitch was saying to me? ...
GRA: Uh, ...
FB: ... "Give us a kiss honey" ---BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
GRA: Thank you Mr. Booth...
FB: Then she started making this nasty kissing noise...
GRA: We're really about out of time ...
FB:... and she sticks her tongue in my frickin' ear! HAHAHAHAHAHA!...
GRA: Uh, thank you ...
FB: ...I almost jumped outa my socks! Right outa my drawers! I was in the street! HAHAHAHAHAHA!...
GRA: Thank you...
FB: ...goddam lizard! Stuck her tongue in my ear! HAHAHAHAHAHA!...
GRA: Thank you for sharing...
FB: ... (whew), Man ... I haven't been that scared since I got clean...
GRA: Thank you.
FB: You're welcome. It's been a pleasure.